I’m a shameless writer who surfs Reddit almost daily, so I can’t help but die laughing just reading through Ask Reddit, and thought to myself that many people will really like this. After all, while Reddit is an amazing place, it’s also a deep, dark hole of… fascinating things. So, to ensure you do not lose your innocence on this very… interesting… website, I went through some “Worst Valentines Day Gifts” posts/comments and compiled them into 13 (because the number is ominous) Worst Valentines Day Gifts. Enjoy!
1. Shlong_Roy– if you’re going to give 2 people gifts, just remember to label the bags.
“Girl I started dating a couple of months before Valentine’s Day just got out of a long term relationship with her high school sweetheart. I didn’t know she was still in contact with him when we were dating. She handed me a cute little bag with candy and a card. As I opened the card and read her pouring out her soul to her ex boyfriend about how much she still thinks about him and loves him. Evidently she made two gift bags. One for me and one for the ex and mixed them up.”
2. W00dzy87– I’ll have to admit. This one made me burst out laughing.
“I saved a [potato] in the freezer that was the perfect shape of a heart. I put it in there in June for February. When I got it out and proudly gave it to my wife it literally turned black and started leaking juices in front of her. In theory it was cute in practice it was like a death threat.”
3. samohkt– She’s not that bright, is she?
“My girlfriend gave me a pack of cigarettes because I was trying to quit smoking, and she thought it would help me relax.”
4. prioska2009 – Of course. There’s always the cheeky ones.
“He asked me to close my eyes, and I thought it was gonna be good. Them he asked me to get on my knees, so I thought it would be really good. And then open my mouth… So a really good chocolate? Nope. Was dick.”
5. christmasmania – He must’ve done something reaaally
“…My wife told me she had one gift for me this year: a very special gift. Keep in mind she told me about this in November; between that date and Christmas, we ate, lived and slept together. I would never have expected this. Her “only” gift wasn’t expensive furniture, watch or perfume: she had filed divorce paper. Not only that, she watched me open the big box where she put the little letter in front of our two children. We have been married for 12 years.
She insisted I opened this gift at the end, after all gifts had been opened. At first I thought it was a joke. The form was accompanied with a court date, her asked conditions, as well as a letter from a lawyer she hired, saying she was asking for full custody of our children.
I could barely talk. Nothing had gone particularly wrong and nothing had changed. I had not noticed any change in her attitude, except maybe she looked a bit more tired, but I assumed it was due to the upcoming christmas. She was smiling all the time…”
6. AMontyPython – Daaang that’s harsh.
“I bought an ex gf one of every Valentine’s Day gift; bear, candy, lingerie, wine, balloons, all of it. She got me a turtle that sings “Can’t Hurry Love”. Took me a while to get that hint.”
7. raffagapro – Talk about being economic (emotionally too).
“Last Valentines, MY gf found a sweater that my ex left a long time ago in my closet. I didn´t have the heart to tell her it was from my ex, so I said I had bought it for her for Valentines. She was so [surprised] and happy, and she [absolutely] loves the sweater, she wears it all the time…”
8. BiffWhistler– Talk about brutal.
“A bottle of bleach with a zany curly straw in it.”
9. BosqueBravo– Amazing.
“A scrapbook containing “all your happiest memories together,” that when you open it turns out to be blank.”
10. wordsarentenough– Thank god for the good save.
“In college, safe sex week was the same week as Valentine’s Day. So I went to one of the booths and picked up some free condoms, banana flavored lube, planned parenthood tracts, etc. I took these home, put them in a bag with a bent up coat hanger, wrote “Happy VD” on the outside, stapled it up, and headed over to my then girlfriend’s (now wife) room. Watching her face as she opened up her gifts, especially when she got to the coat hanger, was a memory that will stay with me always. Let’s just say she didn’t find it as funny as I did. Luckily, I had candy and tickets to see her favorite band hidden outside her door, and grabbed those pretty quickly to save my relationship. So that’s probably pretty high up on worst gifts.”
11. bowyer-betty – Ayyy. Thank god for that last part.
“A stuffed dog and a sweet, heartfelt declaration of undying love … that was written for the guy that she just broke up with to be with me. She just figured f**k it, it’s already written and sealed. She even scratched his name off the envelope and wrote mine. We didn’t last long.”
12. anybodywantakiwi – That’s like the scariest gift. At 15.
“An engagement ring. When I was 15. And I didn’t even like the guy.”
13. yourstorynow – it’s probably a good thing she didn’t have any.Bottom of Form
“College boyfriend wanted to cook us dinner. Made a food that was too spicy for me to eat so he ate it all himself, gave himself food poisoning and spent the entire night alternating between the bed and toilet.”
Header image source here.
