Now, we all know Chinese New Years is here. Are you prepped and ready? Have you cut your hair? Cleaned your house? Washed your clothes? Took your medications and not overdosed? Had a cussing spree? No? Well, do it quick. Because once CNY is here, there’s so many taboos that makes you feel like you’re better off just locking yourself in your room to keep the bad luck away from you!
But just in case you have to leave your room, here’s some (WTF) taboos you need to watch out for and some personal advice on how to handle the taboos.
1. Do not use any ‘taboo’ words.
For CNY, we should avoid words with negative meanings such as ‘death’, ‘ghost’, ‘killing’, ‘sickness, ‘pain’ and so forth. So let’s try to avoid “Wei! The Malaysian heat is killing me. I’m dying from the pain. Kill me now. Let me be a ghost” during the insufferable heat that happens every CNY.
How to handle CNY.
My advice: Meditate for a week before the New Years to ensure negative words do not leave your mouth. Or go on a cussing binge a week before. Tell your parents it’s for the sake of the family.
2. Do not take any medications or go to the hospital.
…AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
So if you have a headache, ride the waves. And if you’re bleeding and dying on the ground, just wait till the Lantern Festival to get help. If you take medications now or go to the hospital, you might be there all year round.
My advice: Die. Die so you don’t have to suffer all year round.
3. Do not break shit.
Makes sense no? Don’t break shit. Don’t purposefully throw shit around. And if you do, make sure you say “碎碎平安 (suìsuì píng’ān)” which means “safe and sound every year” and also add “落地开花, 富贵荣华(luòdì kāihuā, fùguì rónghuá)” which means “a broken thing is like a blooming flower, symbolizing wealth, honor and splendor”. So just be in denial, the same way you would treat your break up.
Quickly! Deny the bad luck!
My advice: Do not touch fragile shit. If you have to eat, opt for plastic plates, bowls and utensils.
4. Do not wash your clothes.
Get filthy for two days because the New Year is also the birthday of the Water God! If you wash your clothes during the first two days, the god will be so offended. I know how sweaty you can get during Malaysia’s Chinese New Year, and if your laundry basket starts to stink of sweat, don’t wash it.
My advice: Stock up on deodorant and perfume/cologne. Spray said fragrances into your laundry basket if the smell gets bad.
5. Do not cry.
If you cry, you’ll bring bad luck to the whole family. So keep those tear ducts closed until the festival is over, even after countless of aunties and uncles call you ‘fat’ or ask you what are you doing with your life, or have your parents evil-eye you because your cousins are doing better than you are… and all these other reasons why:
We all know the “Your cousin got straight A’s, a job, a husband AND wife, children, and a future. What do you have?” look we get from our parents.
My advice: Teenagers and young adults should avoid contact with aunties and uncles. If you have young kids, you should also keep them at home, unless you want bad luck the moment they realize they only got RM2 in their ang paus.
“How am I supposed to get an iPhone 7 with RM2, Mom?!”
6. If you’re a married daughter, don’t go home.
…NOT WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED, MARGE!
If you live with apart from your family, you cannot visit your them on the first day as you’re viewed as an outsider once you’re married, and if you do so, you’ll just invite poverty into your parents’ home, and if your brother lives with your parents, you’ll also be giving your brother and his family a bad luck. Good news to those who hate their family though!
My advice: If you’re a woman, don’t get married.
7. Don’t use needles or scissors.
This is because it’s an omen for possible quarrels with others. So if you need to cut or sow something, or if it’s your livelihood, take the day off… or get creative!
For all hairstylists!
My advice: Sharpen those teeth for New Years.
8. Do not take an afternoon nap.
We all know this is us after 5 different houses and a gazillion children running around us, screaming.
If you take a nap, you’ll be lazy all year round. Well my entire year, and the years before that makes sense now.
My advice: Coffee.
9. Do not wear rags.
Poor Homer…
New clothes = new start, so ragged clothes would bring you poverty and misfortune. So if you’re already poor and unlucky, find a way to get new clothes to change your luck!
Like Cinderella!
My advice: Find a Fairy Godmother… or come to terms with your poverty.
10. Do not say a person’s name to wake them and do not wake people with “Happy New Year!”
It’s okay, Pearl. You can sleep when New Years come.
The taboo is that if you say the person’s name to wake them, they would need to be urged all year round to do work whilst exhausted and nervous. And I know most of you are pretty happy about this one.
My advice: Use this taboo against your parents for a couple more hours of sleep.
All jokes aside, Chinese New Year is the time for us to enjoy the company of family members even though they may sometimes be insufferable. So push these ridiculous taboos aside and have fun with your families. Collect those ang paus (if you’re not married/still young), gamble and win your cousin’s money, and most of all, eat all the cookies, especially this one:
Have a Happy Chinese New Year!
